


Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough

by Amfelia



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-16 04:42:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 21,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13046724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amfelia/pseuds/Amfelia
Summary: Even discovers life is not always shiny and bright, sometimes it is just really hard.





	1. This isn’t how I pictured it would be

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a translated version of a fic I published in Norwegian about a month ago. It was mainly written in September, when I had so many things on my mind that I had trouble sleeping, and the only thing that seemed to calm my messy head at night was creating this story. Not the best good night story, as it is quite angsty, my apologies for that. 
> 
> I have translated a little bit more than half of it, and will aim for posting a new chapter for each new chapter I manage to translate, aiming for one chapter per day. But no promises, it is of course just one week before Christmas and I have like zero things ready and four more days to work. 
> 
> To all my Scandi readers: Yes, this is totally me procrastinating working on a new story, that one is currently in just tiny bits and pieces on my computer. My apologies for that as well.

June 2018

Even has just finished a long shift at work and the only thing on his mind right now is to go home, take a shower to rinse off the smell of sweat and coffee, make something to eat and curl up in bed with a good movie. There is just one tiny flaw with that plan. He can’t go home right now. He promised Isak that he could have some time alone in the apartment and that’s a promise he intends to keep. He has messed up so many things lately, at least he should do this one thing right.

But as he walks out the door at work, he realizes that he hasn’t planned this very well, and he has absolutely no idea how to spend the next few hours. Isak has asked for four hours. Four hours is hard to kill when you have no idea what to do with them. Four hours is also a lot after nine hours at work and your head feels like it might explode from always smiling and being nice and polite to an endless stream of customer, no matter how rude and annoying the customer is. Shifts on Saturdays is far from Evens favorite, the cafe is packed from the minute it opens, and it is barely enough time to take a proper break. It is a never ending display of screaming babies, weird coffee orders and lets not forget those customers who sit and sit and make one cup of coffee last for hours, they never leave. And Even must pretend to be nice to everyone, which is usually not that difficult because Even likes people. But the last few days it has been harder than normal to channel his inner gentle, pleasant Even, and he must honestly admit that he has missed that Even more than just a little.

He ends up walking aimlessly around the city center of Oslo. He could have gone shopping if it wasn’t for the small fact that he is trying to save up some money. The rent is quite high and even though he has managed to get as many shifts as possible at work, it is still not enough to get by right now. In fact he is thinking about getting a second job, maybe somewhere he could work evenings? He decides to check it out as soon as possible, he is off work tomorrow and he can use his free time to search for possible part-time positions within a reasonable radius. The problem is that most of these jobs are already taken, it summer and a lot of students are spending their vacation working to save up. Students like him.

He ends up in Spikersuppa, after having walked all the way down to Oslo central station and back up again. He’s hungry, so he caves in and buys a burger and eats it while sitting on a bench entertaining himself watching all the people walking by, making up stories about them. The burger was a bit more expensive than he can actually afford, so much for trying to save money. But he had to eat something, he was really hungry. He checks the time on his phone, still almost three hours until he can go home.

He stays on the bench long after he’s finished the burger. He takes out his headphones and tries to block out the sounds of the world passing by, replacing them with some playlist Spotify thinks he should listen to. It doesn’t really matter what type of music blasting in his ears, he is far too deep in his mind to listen to it anyway. So many things have happened lately, and he hasn’t had the time or energy to really process it. He has finished is first year as a college student, and the final results exceeded all expectations. He had been nervous about it all, leaving his childhood home, going to college, living with Isak, managing his bipolar on his own, but he can honestly he is proud of how he has handled it all. That is, until last week...

All of a sudden a message draws him out of his deep thoughts. It is from Isak. He doesn’t even need to open his phone to read the message, because it consists of four small words: «The coast is clear.»

He rushes home, and it seems like the tram home takes twice as much time as usual, but then he is finally there. He climbed the stairs two steps at a time, but when he reaches the door he hesitates. Is he really ready for this? He can still change his mind and go home to his parents, they have said he is welcome to come and stay if he wants to. But he realizes he must do this sooner or later anyway, and he pulls out his key and unlocks the door.

The first thing that strikes him is how quiet it is. There is no music or TV on, no one in the kitchen making a mess or lying in bed watching a movie.

Even walks quietly through the apartment, taking in every single thing. The apartment is completely empty. Just as expected, but it does not make the shock any less. Isak is gone. His things are gone. They have messaged each other back and forth trying to decide who should keep what, but except for that there has been no contact. The room at Eskild’s comes fully furnished, and they agreed that Even can keep the furniture for now and then Isak decided he didn't need any of the kitchenware, so Even could keep that as well. It eventually ended with Isak taking aside from his clothes, only the school books, half of the towels, one set of bedding, the duvet and his pillow and some of the pictures they had on the walls. A couple of lamps are also gone. But the rest is still there. Together with Even’s broken heart and a too quiet apartment that still smells of Isak. He realizes he will not be able to sleep if he stays here tonight so he quickly packs a bag of clothes, toiletries and medication before sending a message to his mother. «I’m coming, I can’t stay in the apartment tonight.» His mother answers immediately. «Come and stay as long as you want. Dad can come to pick you up.»


	2. The first real fight

January 2018

They have been living together for almost a year before they have their very first real fight. Obviously they have had som small disagreements and quarrels before that, but nothing so bad that they haven’t been able to solve it there and then. Even would love to be able to say that this fight had originated in something more important than it had, but the truth of the matter is that they argued about something as insignificant and stupid as dirty dishes and laundry. Even comes home a little while after Isak and although it’s normally Even’s job to make dinner, for some reason Isak has decided to make dinner for his boyfriend. A very nice thought, but the carry through not so much, and it literally looks like a bomb went off in the kitchen. The kitchen sink is full of all kinds of utensils and there is tomato sauce all over the place, and Even just knows that it's going to take a really long time to clean up. So, instead of being grateful for dinner being ready when he gets home after a long day of school and work, he ends up complaining about the mess, and Isak gets really upset.

«I'll clean up afterwards, I promise!», he says with tears in his eyes. «And besides, you're one to talk, you can’t even take responsibility for the laundry, either you end up forgetting to put in detergent or you forget you put it on and you leave it in the washer for hours and then I’m the one who has to hang it up and fold it afterwards. It’s no use if you start the laundry if you don’t do the rest, you're just creating more work for me!»

«Mhm, just as you make more work for me when you make a complete mess in the kitchen when you cook. It’s not really helpful that the food is ready when I get home when I have to spend the rest of the evening trying to get the kitchen clean again.» Even almost shouts back and the war is on. Accusation after accusation bounces of the walls, and it doesn’t take long for it to escalate from laundry and dirty dishes to more serious things like money, which one of them is really the most responsible and worse things Even doesn’t want to think about afterwards. Finally, Isak can’t take it anymore and suddenly Even finds himself standing alone it the middle of the apartment, with cold dinner on the table, a dirty kitchen and a dark conscience. Isak had just tried to do something nice, why couldn’t he just appreciate it, why didn’t he think before he talked?

After a little while he tries to call Isak to apologize and ask him to come home, but it seems Isak has left his phone at home as he hears the familiar sound of his ringtone coming from the living room. And next to the phone is Isak’s keys and wallet. Even is left with not much to do but wait. And wait. Even is not particularly good at waiting and to make the time pass, he starts to clean. He starts in the kitchen, puts the dinner in the fridge, does the dishes and cleans the kitchen counters and cabinet doors. Isak has even managed to spill tomato sauce inside the door under the sink, a feat only Isak could manage to do and Even laughs and shakes his head, his anger long gone and now he just wants Isak to come home. By the time the kitchen is tidy, Isak still hasn’t come home yet and Even decides to continue with the living room / bedroom. He gathers all the laundry and puts it in the laundry basket, the bed gets clean linen and he puts the old ones in the washing machine, with detergent this time, and he puts an alarm on the phone to remember to take it out and hang it up. He then mops the floor and cleans all the surfaces, and collects and throws out a lot of garbage that seems to have accumulated all over the apartment. In the end the apartment is cleaner than it has been for a long time, but Isak has yet come home. Even checks his phone for messages and realizes it is almost ten in the evening and now he seriously begins to worry. He considers calling their friends to see if anyone has seen Isak when he hears a gentle knock on the door and he runs to open and is greeted by a crying boyfriend.

After a very long hug, Even heats up the dinner, and while they eat they talk and talk and end up making a list of house rules. Among other things, it says that Even is responsible for dinner, Isak is in charge of laundry and at the bottom it says: «Do not leave home without taking your phone. Especially if you are angry.» It is early morning before they go to sleep.


	3. Want to climb Mount Everest with me?

March 2018

The second fight happens right after Even has had an episode. This time he wasn’t even really manic before the depression hit him and he remained weak and powerless for almost a week. As usual, Isak was amazing throughout the whole episode, and stayed home with him all week, the only exceptions were when he had to go to school. He made dinner every day and even got up extra early to make lunch that he put in the fridge for Even, because he knew Even wouldn’t eat otherwise. On top of the food he put a small post-it note with a little message of love, because he knew Even couldn’t resist and just had to go out to the kitchen to get his food just to see what Isak had written on the note. Isak is not typically one to do grand romantic gestures like that and that made Even value it even more.

The fight comes in the aftermath of the episode, when Even has improved so much that it almost seems like he is back to «normal» and thus it might seem as if Isak expects Even to be completely recovered, while Even himself still feels like he is drawing all of his energy from his spare tank. Because Even just had an episode they have decided to stay home this Friday night and it starts as a normal night at home, with them lying close to each other in bed and watching a movie they have found on Netflix. Isak is curled up to Even, and everything is perfect. That is, it is perfect until Isak’s hands are starting to explore more and more and there is no doubt what he wants.

Normally that wouldn’t be a problem. Normally Even's hands would have been exploring too. They are after all teenage boys, and saying that their sex life is active would be an understatement. They are on such a level that their friends love to make fun of them for it, because they still sneak away at parties for a quicky or they just go home early because they cannot keep their hands away from each other. The only exception is when Even is depressed, he can’t even stand the thought of physical contact and Isak has never complained, even though Even knows he misses it. Tonight Even just feels that he is not ready yet, and instead of saying so to Isak, he pulls himself away, excuses himself to go to the bathroom and when he returns, Isak has turned off the movie and has his back towards Even and pretends to be asleep.

It ends up being a sleepless night for both of them where they lie and are so very aware of the other persons movements and breathing patterns, and even though the bed is not that big, it seems like there is an ocean between them. The next day the worst fight ever erupts. Isak screams that Even doesn’t love him anymore and that he is ungrateful for everything Isak does for him, and Even shouts back that Isak doesn’t understand and won’t even try to understand and that he tries to force Even to feel things he can’t feel and that he feels he can’t even give Isak a hug before it is interpreted as an invitation to sex. Ugly words and accusations just fly from both of them and they say both things they know they will regret afterwards, but right now sleep deprivation and hurt feelings pushes them further and further towards the edge. 

This time Even is the one that leaves.

While Isak is standing there fuming with anger, Even just picks up his keys, wallet and phone and leaves. He does not know where to go, so he just walks around the city before he stops at a tiny cafe to get some food, they had forgotten all about breakfast before they started to fight. He can hear message after message buzzing up his phone, but he lets his phone lay upside down on the table as he stares into thin air thinking and trying to figure out what actually happened. Why couldn’t he just tell Isak that he was not ready yet? Why did he have to pull away like a coward? Of course, Isak misses sex, he misses it too, but when you’re so low on energy, the thought of getting close to another person in that way is almost as incomprehensible as climbing Mount Everest. But why not just say that? Why did he have to be so stupid and make Isak think there was something wrong with him? The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he must go home and apologize. On the tram home he picks up the phone and reads all the messages that have come in and his conscience doesn’t improve in color. It is obvious that Isak has become more and more worried, the last messages almost carry the appearance of hysteria, and the lump in Even’s throat becomes bigger and he quickly sends a message to Isak. «I’m sorry I just left, I was being a complete jerk. I’m on my way home now. We’ll talk more when I’m there. I’m so, so sorry. Love you.»

He barely reaches the door before he is swallowed into a big hug, and they stay like that for the longest time, whispering soft words to one another, words full of love and tenderness.

Even makes them breakfast and they sit down with a cup of coffee and talk. Even explains how he feels in the end of a depressive period and Isak explains how insecure he feels when Even is so sick and that he misses confirmation that he still means something. The rest of the day is spent in bed, and before the weekend is over, Mount Everest has been climbed more than once (or twice). And they have a new rule in their list: After Even has an episode, it is his responsibility to take the initiative to sex and that it is ok to be close without it leading to anything else.


	4. You don't smell like you anymore

The third time they fight it is because Even is sick and tired of Isak’s Russ celebrations. Even hadn’t made a big deal out of his own Russ-time. He had just moved together Isak and he’d much rather prefer to stay at home with him than party and since it was his second attempt to finish high school he didn’t know that many of his class mates either. He had attended one of the big parties at Tryvann and there were a few smaller parties, but he had slept home every night and quite frankly he had not been drinking a lot either. Maybe that's the reason he can’t quite understand why Isak suddenly decides to go all in being Russ. It started just after Easter and Isak has been attending one party after the other for weeks, and he has started coming home later and later, and finally, Even has given up waiting for him, as he might just as often spend the night with Jonas or Magnus. At least that is what Isak claims the times he comes home in the morning, hungover and tired just to take a shower and go to school, without even saying hello or give Even a good bye kiss. Even can’t help being both a little concerned and a lot jealous. The sixth or seventh time Even has spent the night half asleep, half waiting for Isak to come home, which he didn’t, he has had enough and he can’t keep his anger hidden when Isak comes home on an early Sunday morning, smelling of booze and a really strong mens perfume. A perfume neither he nor Isak uses.

«Where the hell have you been, Isak?!? Or maybe I should ask who the hell have you spent the night with? And why did you not let me know? Are you aware that I have barely slept because I've been so worried and you didn’t answer my messages? Do you even care about me? Have you completely forgotten that you have boyfriend? I'm suddenly not good enough for you now you're Russ?» Even can’t control the tears that keeps falling down his face as he yells at Isak. He didn’t mean to get so angry, but he has been so scared for so long that the angry words just flies out of him. 

But Isak doesn’t answer, he just opens and closes his mouth a few times before he turns on his heel and walks away, but just before he closes the apartment door behind him he shouts that he’ll return home when Even has learned to trust him and to not yell at him. This time, Even can’t wait at home, and he calls Mikael to ask if it’s okay if he comes over and he doesn’t return home until late that evening. When he returns, Isak is already there, lying in bed waiting for him. And he is mad. Like really, really mad. 

«Where have you been? I've tried to call you hundreds of times, but you didn’t answer me, I was really scared.» Oh, my, have tables been turned. 

«I've been with the guys, I didn’t want to stay home alone waiting for you to get your shit together and come home and apologize.» Even’s voice is angry when he replies, and its crystal clear that this fight is in no way over. Time and distance has not helped this time, probably just made it worse.

«Can’t you understand that I want to celebrate 13 years of school? Just because you didn’t do it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t. I’m not you.»

«Oh, I understand» Even replies. «But what I don’t understand or appreciate is that you won’t even tell me if you’re coming home or not, is it really too much to ask for you to send me a message telling me you’ll be staying with one of the guys? I’m afraid and worried when you don’t answer messages or when I call and you don’t pick up and I’m scared out of my mind being at home thinking about everything that can happen to you.»

«But you need to trust me, Even! I will never do something wrong, it's not like I'm going to hook up with someone else. You're my boyfriend, I love you. Only you. But I must be allowed to live a little without feeling you're trying to control me!» Isak’s voice is shaking and Even notices that it's just before his boyfriend starts crying. And he knows that Isak hates crying in front of someone.

«I want to trust you, but you have not made it easy for me in the last few weeks, I hardly recognize you anymore, you come home later and later if you come home and at all. And when you do come home you’re so drunk that you are barely able to stand straight. A few of times I've wondered how you even managed to find your way home. Do you remember that a week ago you tried to sleep right outside of the door because you failed to unlock it? Had I not been awake to hear you, you would have slept there for the rest of the night.»

Just as he finishes his speech he realizes he sounds just like his own father, this is a speech he would have received from his parents if he had done similar stunts when he lived at home. Or to be completely honest, this is just the reaction he has received from his own parents when he has come home, a little too drunk and a little too late. «Shit, it is like I’m hearing to my own parents,» he says with a sigh and that’s all it takes to break the ice. Because just like that, Isak begins to laugh, and Even can’t help but laugh with him.

«I don’t need a dad who yells at me, I need a boyfriend who cares for me,» Isak replies after the laughter has died down. «Why can’t you just be my boyfriend?»

«I can do that. But then you have to be my boyfriend too. A boyfriend who tells me if he stays over at a friends house. A boyfriend that doesn’t smell of another man's perfume when he gets home.»

«Oh… You noticed that? I had to borrow Magnus’s shower gel this morning, for some reason I had vomit in my hair when I woke up and I didn’t want to come home to you smelling of both booze and vomit. Magnus's shower gel has a really strong scent, I have no idea how he can use it. I like yours much better.»

And just like that the fight is over and Even lies down in the bed with Isak and the stay there, being really close, just breathing in the familier scent of each other. It doesn’t take long before they fall asleep, still wearing clothes.

The next day, the list of rules has a few more additions. Call home if you’re staying over at someone and always make sure your phone is charged. And never, ever use Magnus's shower gel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, not sure when the next update will come. Busy day today with work, then more work and then making Christmas-cookies late into the night. That means no translation or proofreading for me until tomorrow probably.


	5. I just can't anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is rock bottom, at least for Even.

June 2018

Things fell like they are a little bit better after this. Isak has finished Russ celebrations, and although they are both stressing with exams they are sticking to the rules and it seems to be working. Even makes dinner. Isak is doing all of the laundry. They take turns studying home and going to the library to prepare for exams, they both know they will get nothing done if they both try to study at home, because they always end up doing things that don’t exactly contribute to good exam results. They both look forward to finishing all the exams and spending the summer together, concentrating a lot on each other and maybe a little bit on their summer jobs.

At least that is what Even thinks. 

That is, it’s what he believes until he comes home one afternoon, finding Isak sitting on the bed, with a bag packed and ready to go on the floor in front of him. And he looks as if the whole world has gone to shit.

«What's happing?» Even tries to speak but his voice is barely functioning. No way this is good news. 

«Are you planning on taking a vacation? Are we going on a vacation?» But he knows that's not what's going on. Isak would not in a million years have looked so heartbroken if they were going somewhere together. It that case he would be super happy and almost bubbling over with energy. It's as far from reality as possible and then some.

Isak finally speaks. «I’ve decided to move out. Eskild has a room available and he has told me I can stay there until I find a place to live when I start university, I still don’t know where I will end up. He is coming to pick me up soon.»

Even is unable to say anything. His brain has been short-circuited and his head is completely empty. Totally, utterly empty. 

«Move out? Are you breaking up with me? Don’t you love me anymore?» Even notices that his speech is totally jumbled and he has to stop talking before he breaks down completely.

«I still love you. But I can’t be with you anymore. I feel like I can’t be myself when I’m around you. I don’t know who I am anymore. And I don’t know if I love myself anymore. I need a break to find out what I want. You can stay here if you want to. I understand that it won’t be easy with the rent and all that, but I will pay my share for the summer. But I can’t stay here anymore. I need space to figure things out and I won’t have space if I stay.» Isak almost stumbles through the words, it is clear that he has practiced what to say and Even can’t help wonder how long he’s been planning this.

«For how long? How long have you felt like this?» He has to know.

«A while, since Easter or something.» Isak replies after a while.

«Easter?!? WTF? Isak, that’s a really long time. Why didn't you tell me? We could have talked about this, tried to fix it before it ended in you doing this. How long has Eskild known?» Even almost hysterical.

«Eskild has known since the time you disappeared after the fight we had when I had spent the night with Magnus. He was here with me here all that day, because I couldn’t reach you. I had to call someone when you didn’t answer your phone, I was going crazy worrying about you. Do you realize how scared I was?»

«But that is like a month ago. Why didn’t you say anything? Have you known since then that you were moving out? I don’t understand anything right now, Isak. Why didn’t you talk to me?» Even has given up trying to stop the tears, and he sinks down on the floor, giving up on everything. Giving up on making sense of anything. Isak doesn’t answer, just takes the bag and leaves.

«I’m sorry. I’ll call you in a few days, so we can figure out what to do with the apartment and stuff» he says before closing the door and disappearing out of Evens life.

Even has no idea how long he sits on the floor, his body is numb and he aches all over from crying. He has never cried so much before and he can’t seem to stop the hiccups. In the end, he manages to drag himself to bed, pulling the duvet over his head and crying himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yey, managed to sneak in one more chapter today. Now I'm off to make more Christmas cookies. Can never have to many Christmas cookies.


	6. Nothing more than empty sheets

June 2018

Even wakes up the next morning, reaching for Isak but finding only air and empty sheets and it takes some time before it hits him. Yesterday wasn’t just a bad dream, Isak is not there. Even turns around and sobs into the pillow, which stills feel wet after all the tears from the day before. Isak is gone. Isak is gone. Isak is gone. That's all he can think. Isak doesn’t want to be his boyfriend anymore. Isak is gone. Oh, god, Isak is really gone. 

He picks up the phone to check what time it is and notices that there are zero messages and the phone has less than percent battery left. Charging his phone was not on top of the list last night, but he had made a promise to his parents that he should always try to be available, so he connects the phone to a charger as far away from the bed as possible. Better not have the phone too close, otherwise he might do something stupid like trying to call Isak to try and get him back. Or at least get some answers explaining what he has done wrong. But even he understands that calling Isak at half past seven on a Saturday is a very, very bad idea.

Although it's too early to get up, getting more sleep seems impossible, and when his stomach growls he realizes that he has no choice but to get up and make breakfast, even though his appetite apparently disappeared with Isak. Oh well, he will try to eat something, or at least have a cup of coffee or something. In the kitchen the leftovers after Isak trying to make food the day before is still on the counter. He was probably so busy packing his bag to clean up after making food. Typical Isak. Even always has to clean up after him. He sighs, starts doing the dishes and puts the food in the fridge, hopefully it hasn’t gone totally bad staying on the counter all night, but he can’t seem to care anyway. It feels good to be doing something practical, keeping his mind on something as simple as dirty cups and breadcrumbs. Do not think about Isak. In no way think about Isak.

But it doesn’t take long before there is no more work to find in the kitchen, it's not a breadcrumb in sight, no tomato sauce spots anywhere (no traces of Isak), and he literally throws in the towel and makes some food instead.

He walks back to bed with a slice of bread and a cup of coffee and sits there trying to force it down. He stays like that for a while, just staring out into empty air, but suddenly he is interrupted by a message alert on his phone and he slowly goes over to check his phone, hoping to see a message from Isak. Maybe he has changed his mind? Maybe his night was just as bad as Even’s and he wants come home again? So many thoughts finds the time to rush through his head in the short time it takes to reach the phone, but he knows it is not from Isak. Isak would not move out on an impulse just to equally impulsively move back in. Isak is not like that. He is a thinker, and he analyzes everything before doing something. He had said that he had thought about this since Easter. Even counts back, it's more than two months ago. No one thinks and plans to break up with his boyfriend for more than two months and then change their mind the day after. At least not Isak. And even if he has changed his mind, his pride would never allow him to admit it. Even knows his boyfriend, his ex-boyfriend, well enough to know that with absolute certainty. Isak has made up his mind and there is nothing he can do about it now. Even if it hurts like nothing else has hurt before, even if every cell in his body is screaming that this is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Of course the message isn’t from Isak. It's from his mom wondering if he and Isak would like to come for dinner today. Oh god, mom and dad. They are going to be heartbroken, they love Isak almost as much as Even does. How can he tell them that it is over? He considers for a moment not answering and pretending he hasn’t read the message, but he knows that it is just postponing the inevitable. He replies that he would like to come, but that he comes alone because Isak has other plans. This is not the type of news you're telling in a message, he has to wait until he can tell them face to face. It does not take long before mom answers with a thumbs up and «16 pm ok?». He sends a thumbs up back and as he puts the phone down he sees that it is already past nine. Meaning, a lot more hours to kill before dinner.

Later, he can’t even remember how he managed to pass the time, most likely just lying in the bed like a zombie, staring into nothing thinking about Isak. Trying to figure out what would happen now. He can’t live in the apartment alone, he can’t afford the rent by himself. Isak said he would cover his part of the rent this summer, but after that he must either find himself a new place to live or a way to earn 5000 more pr. month. The latter will be difficult, because he does not quite know where to find time and at the same time manage to study full time. But the thought of having to find a new place to live makes him lose his breath completely. He has become so used to living here, together with Isak. The only thing he would be able to afford alone would be in a lousy collective with someone else. He decides to leave that thought now, it's still a few more months before he has to move out, and a lot can happen before summer is over. In an optimistic moment, he lets himself think that Isak may have changed his mind by that time and it would be stupid to have moved out already. Only the thought of it is enough to fill him with hope for a little while before the dark thought takes over and he starts crying all over again.

In the end, the cushion is yet again wet with tears and he decides to change the sheets on the bed to pass time, he can’t remember the last time they changed the sheets, and he is unsure if he’ll be ever able to sleep again with the scent of Isak in the bed. Too many memories, too much hurt. 

Finally, it is time to go to his parents and he decides to take a quick shower, hoping to clear the traces of the last 24 hours. What he sees in the mirror though is not a beautiful sight, tears do not make wonders for ones appearance, and he realizes he won’t stand a chance hiding this from his parents. On the way out, he pulls a cap on and on the tram he hides his face in the hood of his jacket, hoping no-one will notice that his world has fallen apart.

His parents, however, understand it as soon as they open the door. With a sob he tells them what has happened. «It is over, Isak has broken up with me,» and he is pulled into a bear hug. He spends the afternoon trying to explain everything. He tells about the fights, about how both had run away, but that they had managed to reconcile afterwards. He tells about the rules they had made, about how he thought they had gotten things in back to normal again, about Isaks Russ and exams and the plans they had for the summer, plans that do not matter now. He tells about what happened when he came home yesterday and how broken Isak had been and how he had said incomprehensible things like he did couldn’t be himself and that he had to move out to think about things. About Eskild who had known for a month. About concerns about finding a new place to live and how it would affect his bipolar, that he was afraid that this would trigger a new episode and how scared he was that he had to deal with it alone. His parents listened and asked questions and tried to comfort and wiped away his tears and let him cry. In the end, they were able to make him eat a little bit of dinner when they realized that he had not eaten anything since he forced down half a sandwich for breakfast.

His mother asks if he wants to stay there for the night, but Even says he must go home because he has not packed anything to stay overnight and his medicine is at home and the last thing he needs now is to start fucking up his medication.

The father wants to drive him home, and Even accepts the offer with open arms. The idea of taking the tram home on a Saturday night is not tempting, too many party-loving people is the absolute last thing he needs now.

«Do you want me to come up with you,» his father asks when they arrive, but Even says he is tired and just wants to go to sleep.

«I'll call you tomorrow,» he says as he walks out of the car and his father nods quietly.

As he lays down in his bed he realizes that changing bed linen earlier in the day had been a mistake, because he can’t sleep without the smell of Isak. Now the bed just smells clean and he is lying on Isak’s side and just looking at the ceiling. After two hours without any sleep, he walks into the bathroom to find the medicine he has for helping him sleep. It is important for him to keep on good sleep schedule, and especially now. But instead of taking the tablet he found, he sees Isak's hoodie in the laundry basket. Isak's hoodie that smells of Isak. He picks it up and puts it on, walks back to bed and curls up and is finally able to fall asleep. He decides the next morning Isak will not in a million years get that hoodie back.


	7. Like walking through quicksand

July 2018

Even really has no idea how he managed to get through the next few weeks. He tells his boss about what happened, he needs to explain why he suddenly wants to work even more shifts and why he seems a little low on energy. He is met with complete understanding and tons of empathy and gets as many shifts as he can possibly get, but it is still not enough for him to save enough money to be able to keep the apartment when the summer ends. He worries a lot about what will happen when Isak no longer pays his share of the rent, and the worry grows stronger and stronger and the threat of having to move lies over him like a big, dark cloud. When he’s not at work, he either spends is time back in the apartment staring at the ceiling or he goes to his parents house for dinner and comfort. His appetite is gone and his clothes become looser and looser, and he has definitely lost a lot of weight. The concern on his parents faces is easy to read, but he can’t find the energy to do anything about it.

After Isak had moved his stuff out of the apartment Even escaped to the parents, and he spends almost a week there before he manages to go back to the apartment, and he almost considers moving back to his old room, but deep down he knows that is not the solution. He must learn to stand on his own two feet and his parents don’t deserve having to take care of him again. Their relationship had been so much better after he moved out and proved to both them and himself that he could take care of himself and his bipolar and he could not, would not lose that trust. So eventually, he grits his teeth and goes home to the apartment, as hard as it might be.

His dad drives him back this time too, and before he lets Even leave the car, he puts his hand gently on Even's shoulder, clearly wanting to say something.

«Sweetie, your mom and I have been thinking», he begins. «We are worried about you, as you probably have noticed. And we think that moving out of the apartment is not a good idea right now, we're afraid that on top of everything else it will be too much for you to handle.»

«I know, I feel the same way, dad», Even mumbles. «But you know I can’t afford to keep the apartment by myself, it was difficult enough even when I shared the rent with Isak. And I don’t have time to work much more than I did last year, if I do it will affect my studies.»

«We know, sweetheart», his father answers. «That's why we've decided to help you with rent. We can’t pay all of Isak’s share, but we can cover almost all of it. If we just sit down and make a budget together, and you are good at controlling how much you spend and maybe pick up a couple of extra shifts a month I think it will be enough. Next year, when things are a bit more stable, we’ll reevaluate. OK?»

Even can hardly believe it. He can keep the apartment. Even though it hurts so much being there without Isak, it would be even harder having to move out and lose everything that reminds him of what they had. He gives the father a long hug, unable to stop the tears running down his face and he mumbles a quiet thank you and says that he loves them and that he will pay back later.

«Nonsense. Don’t worry about that now. The most important thing now is that you try to take care of yourself and that you start eating again. Ok? You know, the old cliché that life goes on, it's actually true. You have to take care of yourself, promise?»

Even promises, goes back to his apartment, and starts a new chapter in life.


	8. I'll get by with a little help from my friends

July 2018

It takes almost three weeks before Even is able to tell the guys. Lucky for him, the guys are busy with summer vacation and it’s therefore not that strange that he has been almost completely on radio silence. Other than a few messages in the group chat, where his only replies have been short sentences or an emoji, he hasn’t really said anything to anyone.

He actually planned on telling Mikael first, but chance would have it that Elias is the first to know. It somehow surprised him a little that Elias didn’t already know, because Sana definitely knew, her and Isak is still pretty close. But on the other hand, Sana is not the one spreading what she characterizes as gossip, she lets people tell things when they are ready for it.

He has just gotten home from work when his phone tells him he has a message waiting. «Halla, ready to make another film for our youtube channel?»

Even reads the message from Elias several times, but isn’t sure how to answer. His first reaction is making up an excuse like having to work or something, which would not be a complete lie, he does work a lot now, but in the end he just answers that he doesn’t have the energy for it.

«Why not? Is there something wrong? Is it your bipolar? Is there anything I can help you with?» The answer comes back after less than a minute. Even just stares at phone, trying to type something coherent, but he ends up calling instead. Elias answers the phone after just one ring, obvious waiting for reply from Even.

«No, I'm not sick», Even is struggling to get the words out, and he can feel the tears threatening, mad at himself that he’s unable to stop crying. One would think that three weeks worth of crying there would be no tears left, but still, here he is, crying once more. «Or, yeah, I'm sad, but not depressed-sad. Isak moved out almost three weeks ago. He doesn’t want to be with me any more.»

«Are you home? I'm on my way over!» Elias hangs up before Even manages to stop him from coming, and he just sits there on the bed, wondering if he's really up for any visitors. A quick glance in the mirror tells him that he at least should take a shower first, he looks like he hasn’t slept for several days. Something that is not very far from the truth, if he’s completely honest with himself.

Half an hour later, Elias is on the doorstep, and Even has just had enough time to shower and do a half assed attempt at cleaning the apartment. Thankfully Elias lives a tram ride away and not in walking distance.

Shortly after Elias has arrived, the doorbell rings again. Even looks at Elias with confusion. What happens now? He is not really up for more visitors. 

«I just assumed you hadn’t eaten in a while, so I ordered a pizza for us,» Elias just says, opening the door for the pizza delivery guy.

They eat in silence and Even is surprised that he is actually able to eat. It's the first time since the break up that the food has actually tasted and before he knows it he has finished half a pizza. Elias is clearly pleased with himself.

«So, would you like to talk about it or should we ignore what you told me and play a little?»

«Play a little, I’m not quite ready to talk yet», Even answers.

The next two hours are spent in front of the PS4, and the only thing being said is a few game-related outbreaks. It's the best two hours Even has had in a while, it's also the first two hours he has not thought about Isak every other minute.

The next couple of weeks continue in the same fashion. The boys take turns visiting, one at a time, and they always bring food. Even secretly suspects that they have made some sort of schedule and that the food they keep supplying is heavily sponsored by his parents, but he can’t find it in him to ask. He just appreciates the supports he receives. They have yet to ask questions about what happened, instead they sometimes just play Fifa or something as equally mind numbing, or they eat and few times they have even succeeded pulling him out of the apartment for a walk, while talking about anything and nothing, except Isak. They never even mention his name. They talk about their girlfriends and their summer jobs and which plans they have for university, and Even has never been more up to date on his friends lives. It actually kind of hurts him how little time he has been spending with the guys the last year, when he realizes how little he knows about his friends. He has been so busy with Isak, Isak, Isak last year that he has almost forgotten to keep up with his friends' lives. From now on that will change, he decides, because this kind of support he is getting now is not to be taken for granted. He doesn’t know where he’d be without it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little late updating, I got caught up in all the wonderful Christmas stories that has been posted here the last few days, and also trying til get everything ready for Christmas. But now I'm officially on Christmas break until after New Years, so hopefully I'll be able to get the rest of the story ready for posting soon.


	9. The truth can sometimes hurt

July 2018

It has been five weeks since Isak moved out, and Even receives a message from Mikael telling him the entire gang plans to come to visit and he asks Even is ready for it and it surprises him that the answer is yes. He is ready for an evening together with the whole gang. But at the same time he is painfully aware that they are going to ask questions about what happened, the elephant has been left in peace in the middle of the room long enough. And he knows it is time to come up with some answers. Answer he’s not really sure he has.

In the apartment the guys have pushed the table and the chairs towards the walls, and they lie around on the floor and on the bed. The pizza boxes are strewn between them and Elias and Mikael are deep concentration over a Fifa match, but other than that the apartment is rather quiet.

«So, are you ready to tell us what happened?» Mutta who breaks the silence. Even has been waiting for it, but it surprises him that it comes from Mutta. He had thought they would let Mikael or Yousef take the responsibility of dragging some truth out of him. He looks around, taking his time studying their faces while wondering where or how to start. Elias pauses the game, and everyone’s attention is on him.

«There is not much to say, I think. I got home from work one day and found Isak sitting on the bed with his bag packed, ready to move out. He said he still loved me but he couldn't be my boyfriend anymore. Told me some bullshit about not knowing who he was when he was with me and that he needed space to find himself or something like that. He didn’t say it directly, but it was clear that he thought I was too controlling or something. It didn’t matter how much I cried and pleaded with him, he just took his bag and left to move back in with Eskild. He is supposed to live there until he finds a new place to live wherever he ends up going to university. I haven’t talked to him after that, we only exchanged a few messages when we were deciding what to do with the things in the apartment and he was here a week later to pack his stuff while I was out of the apartment. And that is the last time I heard anything from him, and I really don’t expect to hear anything either. Once Isak has decided something, there is not much to do about it, I know how he is.» The words just kept falling out of him, and he tells them much more than he really thought he would.

«So you’re just meant to give him space, then?» Elias asks.

«Well, what other choice do I have? He asked for space, so I’ll give him space.» Evens voice is almost a little angry, not because he is, he's just a little annoyed, he forgets that they don’t know Isak like he does, but he still hurts. And talking about it makes it hurt more. 

«But it has been a month, how much more time does he really need to figure things out?» Elias is obviously not going to give up that easily.

«True, but when he hasn’t been in touch yet it obviously hasn’t been enough. I don’t think it would help if I go over there and try talking to him. He is one of the most stubborn people I've ever met, I'm afraid I'm just going to make things worse if I do.»

«But you know what?», Mutta pipes up. "You've kinda been a little controlling …»

«What? Really? What?» Even is beyond shocked. This is completely news to him. He looks around at the others, to see if they agree, and they nod, confirming his worst fears. «But wait, what? Do you all think that? Why didn’t you say anything?» Even the voice has gone up at least one octave.

«We all thought that you were so solid that you would figure it out yourself. But we should definitely have said something, knowing what we know now. Hindsight and 20/20 and all that crap, you know. Because we've all noticed that you've had tendencies wanting to control what Isak did and the way Isak reacted to it.» Again it is Muttas turn to speak. It seems that he won the lottery telling Even all things he does not want to hear at all.

«But, what, I really don’t understand, how have I been controlling Isak? Give me some examples!» Evens voice is very demanding and he can hear it himself. Shit, maybe there's some truth to what they say?

It's clear that the guys are struggling to figure out who's next to say something, no one wants to be the bearer of bad news.

It is Elias who ultimately takes pity on him. «Do you remember how you reacted when Isak cut his hair last summer, just after Sana's Eid party?»

«Yes, and so?» Even is this close to getting angry. If this is the type of bad examples they intend to bring up, they can just let it go. Isak had cut off his beautiful curls without giving him any warning and Even had almost started crying when he saw it. Isak had tried to comfort him that the hair would grow back, and that it wasn’t that short, but it had taken Even days to get used to the curls being gone.

«Did you realize that Isak never cut his hair after that? That he let the curls grow back again and have kept his hair long, even though he complained many times that it's impossible to style his hair when it's so long?»

Oh, shit, shit, shit. This is not good at all. He only wanted Isak to keep the same wonderful curls that he had when they met each other. He loves Isak's curls.

And it gets worse, because the guys have clearly thought about this thing with Even being too controlling.

«Do you remember when Isak began to work out with us at the gym? Do you remember your reaction when he started to gain a little more muscles?» It’s Yousef’s turn to talk.

Yes, Even remembers. He remembers how Isak had come home with bigger muscles and wanted to show off to his boyfriend. And how disappointed he had been when the reaction he got was far from what he had hoped for. He also remembers that Isak had stopped working out with the boys and had returned to football instead. But before he has time to collect himself Elias continues.

«Do you remember your reaction when he said he considered applying for the engineering program at NTNU in Trondheim? You totally freaked out, and I think that if the rest of us hadn’t been there, you would actually had vetoed it. Do you remember the look on Isak’s face? He was really close to crying. And you know he hates crying in public.»

Even is looking at him as if he is lying, because that's not how he remembers the situation. Yes, of course, he wasn’t thrilled about the idea that Isak was going to move to Trondheim, but he had not refused him to apply. Had he? And Isak had been fine, he had laughed a little it and said that of course he would apply to university in Oslo. Is his memory really that wrong? Or maybe he misread the situation?

«Wait a minute, when was Easter this year? The deadline for applying was mid April, wasn’t it? And Easter was before that? Isak said something that he had been thinking about this since Easter or something.»

Oh god, what if all of this is because he didn’t want Isak to move? Perhaps he had applied for studies in Trondheim and didn’t tell him about it, and then he chose to move out to avoid having a long distance relationship? Even realizes that he is clinging to straws that are not real. Both he and Isak knew they were able to be together despite living in different cities, Isak wouldn’t break up just because he might move. Even slumps down in the bed and he just wants the world to disappear. The more he thinks about it the clearer he sees that the boys are right. And he has no trouble coming up with many more examples of him trying to control Isak and his brain feels like it is about to explode.

«We will leave you alone now. Looks like you have enough to think about, or?» Elias gets up from the floor, and the others follow him. Even is unable to say anything and just nods weakly.

«We will talk tomorrow, right? Still on for kebab after work?»

Even nods, keeping his eyes closed. He hears the boys put on their jackets and shoes and leave, closing the door carefully behind them. He is thinking back on the fights they had during the Isak’s Russ celebration. If Isak felt controlled it totally explains why he reacted like he did when Even went into complete parental mode and complained about Isak not letting Even know where he was or when he was coming home. Perhaps the rule of always letting the other know if you are planning on staying over at a friends house and always making sure your phone is charged was mostly for Even’s benefit, for Isak it might just have been another example of being controlled. Heck, when he thinks about the list of rules, 90% of them are in favor of Even, not Isak. And there he was believing the rules had been the best idea ever. Even goes out to the kitchen and takes down the sheet from the fridge and tears it into small pieces and throws it in the trash. Afterwards, he takes out his phone and writes a message to Isak.

«I miss you. I love you and will always love you. But I understand I've lost you for now. I will not push you, I know you need space and I'll give you space. But when or if you are ready to talk, I’ll be here. I will always be here. Yours forever. Even.»


	10. Thank’s for the memories

August 2018

Two weeks passes by without an answer from Isak. Even knows that Isak has read it, because he hasn’t turned off read receipts. Every time his phone buzzes he gets his hopes up, only to be equally disappointed every time there is no answer from Isak. Even has lost count of how many times he has read the last months exchange of message between them, but it is long past enough for him to know them by heart. And every time he reads them, his heart breaks a little bit more, and eventually he decides he can’t do it anymore. He takes a back-up of all the messages they have ever sent each other before deleting them and Isak’s phone number. He proceeds to open his Instagram, because just as he has read the messages on his phone an endless amount of times, he has been looking at Isak’s instagram account so often that he sees the pictures in his sleep. Before he can think more about it, he logs out of Insta and deletes the app from his phone. Isak has obviously decided to move on and he must do the same. And the only way to do so is to remove all the traces of the most important person in his life for the past two years.

He looks around the apartment, and it is obvious that it looks like Isak is still there. It is the same furniture, only difference is that one of the drawers is empty. On the wall is all the drawings that he had made for and of Isak during the almost two years they were together. The wall behind the bed is packed with pictures of them, together, happy, either smiling at the camera or facing each other. Always smiling. Even has never been that happy, neither before nor after Isak.

He must do something. He will not be able to move on if he doesn’t make the apartment his own and remove the traces of Isak. The first step is to take down all the pictures and drawings on the wall. He stays there, studying them for a while trying to figure out what he should do with them, because he doesn’t want to throw them away, but at the same time he can’t look at them because it hurts to damn much. He ends up carefully putting all the pictures and drawings in a box that he puts in one of the empty drawers. It takes much longer than he had thought, because for every picture he takes down he can’t help reminiscing on how good he had felt when it was taken. Looking on one of the earliest drawing and remembering how in love he had been and how terrible he had felt when he convinced himself he would never be good enough for Isak and he would eventually fuck it up between them. He hadn’t been wrong, he had eventually fucked it up, but he would never, ever regret that he had finally given it a shot.

When he is finished he sits down on the bed and looks around. When they moved in they had only been concerned with having a place to sleep, enough storage for their clothes and somewhere Isak could do his school work. If he is going to live here alone he need to do something, because he is tired of using the bed as a couch, he misses a real couch. Besides, the table needs to go, the sight of it stirs up memories of Isak sitting there with tons of homework. And if the table is gone he has enough room for a couch. 

He opens IKEAs website and starts browsing for a couch. It doesn’t take him long to find one the right size and at a reasonable price and he clicks buy. But before he clicks on check out he gets an idea and starts looking at picture frames. He chooses the cheapest type and orders a whole bunch of different colors and sizes. A new duvet and pillow, new bed linen (Isak took his favorite pillow and bed linen) and a few more towels also ends up in the shopping cart. Finally, he finds some new lamps before he pays for all of it and orders delivery four days later. He really doesn’t have the money for this, but he just can’t find it in him to care, he’ll just put in a few extra shifts later and borrow some more money from his parents, he needs this change.

Had Isak been here, he would have insisted going to IKEA to test all the couches, but that's not Even’s style. When they moved in last year, Isak was in charge of planning, while Even had been more interested in testing all the beds to make sure they found the right one. In the end, a blushing Isak had dragged him out of the bed department at IKEA, because Even’s definition of trying on beds was not quite the same as the others customers and they had got some, ehhh ... interesting looks from a family with two young children.

The next few days he spends going through all the pictures he has on his hard drive. It is full of good memories, pictures with the guys, photos from different trips and thousands of pictures of him and Isak. He orders copies of some of the pictures to replace the pictures that now lives in the box on the shelf. It is surprisingly easy to go through all the memories, the feeling is bittersweet. It hurts him to know that he may never again experience it again, but at the same time he is so incredibly grateful that he experienced Isak. Was allowed to love Isak. Was allowed to be Isak’s boyfriend.


	11. Chapter 11

August 2018

The day after the couch arrives, Even’s doorbell rings, and he is both a little surprised and happy, he didn’t know he was expecting visitors, but the timing is perfect, because now he can show how nice the apartment has become. It gets even better when it turns out that it is Mikael and Elias and they almost trip over themselves entering the door, all due to the fact that between them they carry one of the largest teddy bears Even has ever seen.

 «What's that?» He laughs, trying to take in the sight. «Or rather, who is that? Have you won the first prize in some sort of lottery?»

«Even, say hello to Isak 2.0.» Mikael speaks with quite the serious voice while holding the bears right arm towards Even, as to greet properly.

«Isak 2.0, say hello to Even, your new cuddle buddy.» Elias is equally seriously.

«My new cuddly buddy?» Even laughs even more, but decides to play along and reaches out his hand to greet Isak 2.0 and takes a small bow for good measure. Isak 2.0 bows back, with a little help from Mikael. Elias is now completely useless, laughing so hard he can hardly stand straight. 

«We saw him in the store and just had to buy him. Look at him, he looks just like the original, don’t you think? And then Elias insisted that he had to move in with you immediately, he thought you'd been alone for a long time now.» 

Well, they are not wrong there. Even look a bit closer at the teddy bear, or 2.0 as he decides to call him, and must admit that there are certain similarities, his fur is as soft and curly as Isak’s hair and it even has the same color as his hair gets in summer when the sun has been playing with it. And the eyes are as green as Isak’s.

«We thought 2.0 could live with you, we know how much you like to cuddle when you sleep. He may not be as versatile as 1.0, but…» Mikael says with a smirk, no doubt what he is referring to.

Even promptly takes 2.0 and puts him on the bed, and then he grabs the hoodie he stole from Isak when he moved out, and puts it on 2.0. Now he looks even more like Isak. Even is very pleased with himself.

While Even has been playing dress up with 2.0, Elias has taken the time to look around the apartment. «It looks nice! New couch and everything. Might make it easier to come visit, we don’t have to stay all cramped in your bed or on the floor.» 

Mikael agrees, he is studying all the new pictures on the wall, and they spend some time talking and remembering fun times. Even is so proud of himself and the new wall and he enjoys the feedback he gets from the boys. It is nice to get credit for something he put so much time and effort into. 

«Will you join us for a walk? We thought we'd get some food,» Mikael interrupts his thoughts. They leave 2.0 alone in the apartment and go out and enjoy a really nice summer evening.

When he comes home later that evening, he takes some time to reflect on how grateful he is for the boys being there for him this summer. Without them, he doesn’t want to think how he would have been able to get through it, without any episodes or having to move home to his old room. Instead, there are more and more good hours, and even days. He has taken control of his life and the apartment and he knows he is ready for university to begin. In fact, he is starting to look forward to it, something he hadn’t believed possible less than two months ago.

And he will never admit it to anyone, but after 2.0 moved in, he sleeps better at night, and if he wakes with his head buried deep into the soft stomach of 2.0, it’s nobody business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early morning on Christmas Eve, my mountain cabin is decorated in red, white and silver, the weather outside is not perfect, but there will be snow and a somewhat white Christmas. 
> 
> Kids are sleeping, the dog is sleeping, so one can wonder why on earth I'm up, but since I'm up and have had my morning coffee, I'll treat you with this one now and aim for at least one more today. 
> 
> Merry Christmas everyone.


	12. Would like to say it was nice meeting you again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter today, promise the next one is longer.

October 2018

It gets easier, the grief of loosing Isak comes in waves, but the waves are not as tall and not as close together anymore. He is pretty busy now that classes have started again, and his days are filled with school and work, and Even realizes that now that he mustn’t hurry home to Isak every day, he can spend more time at school and his class mates and he is quickly admitted into a small group in his class, and he hangs with them both at school and in the limited free time he has. But the feeling of missing Isak still lingers and the apartment is still empty every day he returns home.

What adds to the pain of loosing Isak, is that with Isak he lost half of his friends. He had become very close friends with both Magnus and Jonas, and also the girls, during the year and a half he and Isak had been together, but it had been remarkably quiet from everyone from Nissen after the break up. Jonas had sent a couple of messages to try to find out what had happened, but since Even had no answer, he had just said he needed to ask Isak, since it was him who had moved out. After that, there had been only sporadic messages and after mid-August it was completely quiet. Magnus had stayed in touch for a little longer, and had seemingly been heartbroken. He had taken the initiative to try to meet up right after the break, but Even had postponed and avoided and after a while the distance had become too big. He should not have been surprised because the gang was Isak’s friends first and it was no wonder that the loyalty lay there after the break but it still hurt really badly that they so clearly chose Isak’s side without even trying to figure out Even was doing. They had been his friends as well. Or so he thought.

Late in October, he unexpectedly meets Jonas and Eva. It is awkward, and had Even been a bit more aware of his surroundings when he walked he would have managed to get away before they saw him. But now the meeting was inevitable, and he stood with both a lump and his heart in his throat.

«How are you doing?» Jonas tries to sound casual, not completely succeeding. 

«Yeah, I’m good» he finally manages to get out, trying hard to keep his voice from trembling, angry at himself for not managing to keep his feelings under control. It is far from the actual truth, but what else can he say? It’s not like he wants to stand there explaining how much he misses Isak and the rest of the gang all the while standing right outside of Oslo City shopping centre, with hundreds of people passing by every minute. There’s a time and place for everything, but this is neither the right time nor the right place, that train left the station sometime in July.

«And you?» He tries to push the ball back into their court.

«We’re good, we’re good.» Jonas answers with the same vagueness as Even did. Eva just nods and smiles at Even, it is clear that she really doesn’t buy his lies.

They stay there a little while, trying to casually catch up, but the conversation and situation is just weird. After a little while, Even can’t take it any more, he desperately needs to get away. «I have to go now, am meeting some friends from school. It was nice seeing you.» And with a small nod he manages to escape. 

Thank god he had an excuse to leave, he doesn’t think he could have managed it much longer. The feeling of missing Isak is back strong after meeting Jonas end Eva, and instead of going out to meet his friends he goes home and sulk in his bed for a couple of hours before he pushes himself up and out of the apartment.

This was actually the first time he met someone from the old Nissen gang, with the exception of Sana, who just refuses to tell him anything Isak related. «If you want to know what is happening with Isak, you need to ask Isak. It is the same answer he gets every time he has tried to ask her. He has long given up.


	13. Long time, no see

April 2019

The winter has finally started to let go of the intense hold it has kept over the city for way too long, and spring is in finally making an impact. And just as the temperature is rising, Even notices his energy level is higher than it has been for the longest time. Winter has been tough on him, but he has managed to keep his head above water, except for a few weeks just after Christmas. He is actually quite proud of himself, he has managed astonishingly well, despite the darkness, cold and exams. Come to think of it, this is the first time he has been independent and standing completely on his own two feet, it is the first time he is single since he was fifteen. The time alone has given him the opportunity to discover who he is, without parents or a boyfriend around. He is a responsible adult. Paying his rent on time, doing the laundry, cooking and cleaning and remembering his medication every single day, and the growth has been enormous. And he is so proud. His parents are proud as well, and keep telling him that every time he is over for a visit. 

All of his friends, both from school and the old gang have been trying to convince him that it is time to start dating again, but he has made no attempts to move on. Instead he has been spending his time with his old group of friends but also been spending more and more time with some of his class mates, and he has a sneaky suspicion that one of the girls is interested in being more than just friends. He can’t deny that he misses having that special someone, and of course he misses sex and closeness. But most of all he misses sex with Isak more than he misses sex, and that is as good a sign as any that he is not even close to being ready to date again. He is not ready to give up the idea that they somehow will find their way back together again. But he himself is too much of a coward to do anything about it, he is still waiting for Isak to take the initiative at the same time he doesn’t really believe that will happen. Isak is stubborn, and Isak left him without an explanation and Isak has not tried to contact him for 10 months. Almost a year. 

It's a warm and lovely early day in the beginning of April, and Even has just finished his afternoon shift at work. He is tired after a long day, first he had classes and group assignments and now he has topped it off with five hours at work. The only thing he wants now is to get home and relax and do absolutely nothing. 

But when he walks out the door he suddenly sees a familiar sight, someone is waiting for him. It’s Isak. His Isak. Here. Right in front of him. A bit more grown up, his hair much shorter, but otherwise he is just the same Isak as one year ago. And all of a sudden, Even is thrown back to June last year and the pain and longing runs through is body like an all too familiar feeling. All the words in the world has left his brain, and he just stands there unable to form a complete sentence. After a little while he realizes that Isak doesn’t look as surprised as him. Instead Isak is simply standing there, carrying a smile full of uncertainty and moving his weight from one foot to the other. This is a planned meeting, this is no coincidence. Even doesn’t think, he just opens his arms and envelopes Isak in a long-awaited hug. He has now idea of how long they keep still, taking in the feeling of another, but if he could choose, they would just stay there forever. And one thing hasn’t changed, the feeling and smell of Isak is exactly the same. 

Isak is the one who eventually breaks the spell, and carefully pulls out of the hug. He looks up at Even and just asks if he has some time to talk. 

«I will always make time for you.» Even can’t help himself, he needs Isak to understand how important this is to him. 

They decide to just go for a walk, and they walk in silence through the streets, side by side, and Even is struggling because he just wants to hold Isak’s hand, but it’s too soon, too much. He can’t help asking himself why Isak is here, and the fear of it being bad news almost makes him run away, not wanting to face that. 

Isak is the one to break the silence. “Sooo, how are you?” He stutters, and Even can hear his voice has a small tremble. 

«I’m good. Better now that you are here. And you?»

«Yeah, I'm fine.» It almost sounds like Isak doesn’t quite believe it himself, like it is half lie, half truth.

They just can’t seem to get the conversation going, the silence between them is deafening.

«Coffee?» Isaks nods at a nearby coffee shop, and even though coffee was the last thing on Evens mind half an hour ago, it’s all he can think of now. They enter, and Even finds a place to sit while Isak goes to order. He returns with two coffee cups and a huge cinnamon bun. «Thought we could share.» It’s an old joke between them, it was always like this before, they bought one cinnamon bun to share, ending up with Isak eating the most of it every time.

«You've cut your hair.» Even nods at Isak’s missing curls. «I like it, it suits you.» 

«Really? It's not too short?» Isak runs his hand through the short hair as to emphasize the fact that it is really short. 

«No, I like it. Looks good on you.»

«Thanks. I wasn’t really sure, it was Magnus’ idea, and it has taken som time to get used to. But at least it is so much easier to fix, no curls to control anymore.»

Even used to love those curls, but he’s not saying anything, just lets it slide. Instead he decides to move the conversation over to slightly more neutral territory. «Are you still in Oslo, then?»

«Yeah, I am. I live in a shared apartment with Magnus, we moved there last fall. I thought you knew, both Magnus and I plastered Instagram with it when we moved in.» 

Even isn’t sure how to tell him. «Well, you see, I kind of deleted the app from my phone last summer. I just couldn’t face all the updates from you and the rest of our friends, and I was afraid it would come off too demonstrative if I blocked you or deleted my profile, so I just removed the app. And then I never got to installing it again, although I probably could have done so by now. Just didn’t seem that important, I guess.»

«Oh.» Isak seems surprised, and Even is waiting for him to say something more about it, but this time it is Isak’s turn to change the subject. Or rather, go back to the previous one. «And you, did you move or are you still living in the old apartment?»

«I’m still there. Mom and dad wanted to help me with rent, to make sure I could keep the place. I think they were worried moving would be too much for me. The plan was to keep it this year and decide what to do then.»

Isak doesn’t respond, he just sits there pulling small pieces from the bun, apparently unsure of what to say next. Even waits patiently.

«And are you okay? With that?» It comes out almost like a whisper, Isak can’t even look him in the eye, instead he just stares into his coffee cup.

«I’m okay. Things were a bit rough right after New Years, and I had to go home to mom and dad for a little while, but other than that I've been pretty good. Better that I expected.»

«That’s good.»

«And you? What are you doing now? School? Work?»

«University, actually. I got accepted into the medicine program here in Oslo, same as Sana. I thought she would have told you that?»

«Well, you know Sana, she refuses to meddle. I have tried to ask her about you, but she just keeps saying I have to ask you myself.»

Isak just laughs. «She said the same thing to me. If you want to know about Even, you have to call Even.» Isaac makes a damned good imitation of Sana. «But I couldn’t call, I didn’t have your number anymore, Eskild deleted it from my phone last summer, he was afraid I'd start to drunk text you or something. He knows me a little too well.»

«But you could have gotten my number from one of the others, couldn’t you?» Even is not impressed by Isak’s excuse. He wants to call bullshit, but holds it in.

«Yeah, I could have. Or, I actually did. Magnus gave it to me a couple of months ago, telling me I should call you. But as time passed, it just got harder and harder picking up the phone. I think I practiced what I would say at least a million times, but every time started to dial your number, I chickened out. I was afraid it would be too late and that you decided you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.»

Another long silence follows. 

«I don’t think it's too late.» Even is looking Isak straight in the eyes.

«No?» Isak looks like he doesn’t believe what he is hearing. 

«Well, I promised I would wait.» You can almost see the relief on Isak’s face. «But,» Even continues, «I think I need some more time. I've spent a lot of time getting used to not being with you. I need some time to process this.»

Even can see his words hitting harder than he intended. Isak slumps down in his chair, suddenly looking so much smaller than just a couple of minutes ago. 

«It’s not like I thought we could jump right back to where we were. But I would really like for you to give me a chance to show that you can trust me again. I know I messed up, I just want one more chance. Can you please give me that?» Even can hear the pleading in Isak’s voice.

«Can I have some time to think about it?»

Isak just nods, and Even can see the disappointment written all over his face, even though he tries to hide it. The coffee and the cinnamon bun are all gone, and there really isn’t much more to gain from this conversation, or rather non-conversation, since neither of them are saying anything, just playing with their cups. Even finally breaks the uncomfortable silence between them. «I need to go home, it’s been a really long day. Why don’t I call you in a few days, and we can hang together?»

Isak nods, relief written all over his face. «Yeah, sure. Do you still have my number?»

«No, I deleted your number at the same time I deleted Instagram. Can’t you just text me your number, since you already have mine, I mean?» Isak nods, and they get ready to leave. 

At the door they end up in one more embrace, and they stay like that long enough for people to start staring, but they couldn’t be bothered with that. As Even pulls away from the hug, Isak whispers to him. «You know, I think you really need to download Instagram again.»


	14. All the things I wish I could tell you

April 2019

When Even gets home he sits down on the couch, just sitting there with his head in his hands and thinking about what just happened. He regrets the way he reacted, being so half-hearted. He had been waiting for this for so long, longing for Isak to come back to him, and when it finally happens he pulls back and tells him that he needs time? Why the hell did he do that? It makes absolutely no sense. 

Suddenly he remembers the thing Isak said about Instagram, that Even needed to install it again. Why did he say that? Was that a hint? He pulls out his phone and searches for Instagram in appstore. As soon as he opens the app and logs in, he gets a notification telling him he has several DMs waiting, all of them from Isak. He scrolls to the top and starts reading. The first message is from August, just after Even had deleted the app.

August 15, 2018, 22.15  
«Dear Even. I just wanna say thank you for the message you send me. I was going to answer, but Eskild stole my phone right after, and when I got it back he had deleted all traces of you on it. He said it was for my own good, I think he might be right. Besides, I really do not know how to answer. I miss you too. But I'm not ready yet. You said that you would wait till I'm ready. Can you give me a little more time?»

September 2, 2018, 20.24  
«You haven’t read my message, I hope it's not because you are ignoring me? Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I just got accepted to the medicine program here in Oslo, my top priority. It's both scary and fun. Sana also got in, we are in the same class.» 

September 15, 2018, 12.16  
«Magnus and I have found an apartment together, we'll move in two weeks. The place is not that big but it will do. Thank god there’s a living room between the bedrooms, because he and Vilde are still together and I don't think I would be able to listen to them having sex almost every night. I miss you. I hope you one day read my messages.» 

October 22, 2018, 23.30  
«Jonas and Eva told me they met you today. They said you looked like you're doing fine, that makes me happy. I'm fine too, sort of. I just miss you, miss talking to you.»

December 10, 2018, 22.13  
«Today I was at a Christmas concert with mom and dad. It made me think about the day I told you that you are not alone. I just want you to know that I meant it and I still mean it. I love you.»

December 24, 2018, 10.13  
"Merry Christmas, bby. <3»

1 January 2019, 00.01  
«Happy New Year, bby. <3»

January 10, 2019, 23.58  
«You still havn’t read my messages. Just wanted to tell you I miss you.»

February 2, 2019, 16.17  
«I saw you today. You were with a group of people I haven't seen before, probably from school. You had your arm around a girl and you looked very happy. I'm happy for you, I promise, even if you said you would wait for me. But it was probably too much to hope that you would wait as long as this. Hope you are doing well. I miss you. Sorry I'm such a coward.»

February 12, 2019, 02.15  
«Happy birthday, bby. Wish I could celebrate with you.»

March 5, 2019, 17.19  
«I tried to ask Sana about you, but she refuses to answer. She says I can ask you myself. But for some reason, I can’t get my self to call you. I have practiced what to say a million times, but it ends up wrong every time. But please know that I miss you. So, so much.»

March 23, 2019, 02.10  
«I screwed up when I left you without giving us a chance. I forgot that I had promised to take things minute by minute. I should have used my words and told you how I felt, instead of holding it all inside. That just made me interpret everything you said in a negative way, and I think I convinced myself that you felt and said things that you really didn’t. I don’t think I'll ever forgive myself for letting my insecurities win.»

April 8, 2019 at. 06.28  
«Today is the day, I am coming to see you. The plan is to wait outside where you work, then you can’t help see me when you finish work. I just hope I won’t lose my nerve before then.»

Even doesn’t hesitate and sends back an answer before he can think about it.  
«What are you doing now? Can we talk?»


	15. I love watching you sleep

April 2019

Even just sits there, staring at his phone. The message has been read, but Isak hasn’t answered. He puts down the phone, but picks it up and checks for messages after a couple of minutes but still no answer. Maybe Isak changed his mind? He walks around the apartment, picks up some laundry and clears away some dirty dishes and checks his phone one more time. Still no answer. 

He decides to get ready for bed when he hears the door bell ringing. He opens the door and finds Isak standing outside, totally out of breath like he’s been running a marathon or something.

«Ehhh, can I come in?» Isak breaks the silence. They must have been staring at each other for at least a couple of minutes, neither of them able to say anything. Even because he didn’t expect Isak to be there, Isak because he is breathing so hard it makes talking almost impossible.

«Yes, of course, come in, you know the way.» Even lets Isak take the lead in to the living room. «Do you want anything to drink?»

Isak looks at him, considering the offer. «No thanks, or, maybe, do you have any beer?» 

Even thinks they could both use a beer and returns from the kitchen with a couple of bottles. He offers one to Isak, who is busy looking at all the pictures on the wall above the couch. If he sees the lack of pictures of him he doesn’t let it show, just takes the beer and sits down.

They sit at opposite ends of the couch, just watching each other while slowly sipping their beer. Isak looks around the living room and Even can see that he is noticing all the big and small changes that Even has made. Almost all the traces of Isak are gone, the only few things remaining are a couple of pictures on the wall behind them. But other than that the apartment has slowly but steadily become just Evens. It's his clothes lying on the floor, his drawings on the wall over the bed, his friends in the pictures, his smell, his everything.

Isak sees 2.0 sitting on the bed, and he starts to giggle. «Who is that?»

«That, my dear friend, it's Isak 2.0, he goes by just 2.0 most of the time. He’s a present from the guys. They said that I needed a cuddle buddy.»

«Isn’t that my hoodie he's wearing?» Isak looks at Even with a mildly accusing face. 

«Yeah, about that, I might have hidden that from you when you came to pack your stuff.» Even is suddenly very busy studying the label on his beer bottle.

Isak just laughs and pulls out his phone and starts searching for something. Even is a little upset that Isak is sitting and playing with his phone right now, but then Isak turns his phone to Even to show him something.

«I think we have to introduce 2.0 to this guy.» The picture is of an almost identical teddy bear, only this one has a bit brighter fur and blue eyes. «The guys got it for me when I moved in with Magnus. His name is EvenTwo. Magnus claims to be the brains behind the name. I think he misses you. I mean, Magnus, not the bear.»

EvenTwo is wearing a t-shirt Even recognizes it as his.

«Heeyeyyy, that’s my t-shirt! You thief!» 

They end up staying right there on the couch for hours just talking and updating each other on all the things that have happened while they’ve been apart. Both of them carefully avoid the more serious topics, and it's so nice to just sit there in the dark and talk and laugh together. It's almost morning when Isak falls asleep on the couch, and Even finds the extra duvet and pulls it over him before going to bed himself.

When he wakes up he can feel the familiar feeling of a warm body next to him, during the night Isak has joined him in bed and is in deep sleep with his face buried in Evens back and with his right arm around Even’s waist and it feels so right. Even hates the idea of leaving him and the wonderful warmth and closeness, but he has to get up, he has classes he can’t afford to miss, so he sneaks out of bed and quietly walks to the bathroom, before making himself some breakfast. When he enters the living room again, Isak is still sleeping and is curled up with his head on Evens pillow. He decides to let him sleep, and writes a note on a piece of paper and leaves it next to Isak.

«Had to go to school. You didn’t get much sleep last night, and I didn’t have the heart to wake you. The spare key is on the shelf in the hallway, just lock up when you leave. You can come by work after 4 PM if you want to return the key. Even xx. »


	16. Back and forth and back and forth

May 2019

After that night when Isak accidentally slept over at Evens, they spend more and more time together, and the oceans between them become smaller every time they talk, touch, laugh, until it no longer feels like oceans, more like a small lake or maybe even just a puddle. They are not together yet, but Even knows that they are getting closer every day. Their hugs lasting longer, Isak spending more time on Evens side of the couch, they might even have shared a kiss or three. 

But so far their conversations have been superficial, light and fun, it almost seem like they are deliberately dancing around the difficult topics, avoiding them at all cost, and instead they go for walks, drink coffee at random cafes or just hang out in the apartment playing or talking. Neither of them have told any of their friends that they are spending time together, it is as if they are waiting for something to happen, for the other one to take the initiative. For the other shoe to drop. 

Even has called this thing «The Conversation» in his head. He knows they must do it, that they have to talk about all the stuff that happened and why. He just can’t go forward, either with Isak or without him permanently until they have talked, really talked about why Isak left the way he did. He decides the best way to do it is to invite Isak over for dinner, thinking everything will be easier to handle with some good food and a few beers. But somehow it is just as hard to do anyhow, and it isn’t until dessert is served that he finally finds the courage to say something. He is done dancing the same dance they have been dancing for weeks. 

«You remember the stuff you wrote on Instagram, that this whole thing is all on you?» Isak just nods, not knowing how to reply. 

«It wasn’t your fault, it was mine, I made it happen, it’s my fault we ended, not yours. I completely pushed you away.»

Isak is clearly upset and confused. «No, you can’t say that. I am the one who left. How does that make it your fault? It was me. I’m the one that didn’t tell you things weren’t good, I was the one to chicken out. Not you.»

«But I made you feel you had to leave. I've thought a lot about why I behaved like I did, and I think that after all the mess that happened when we got together, deep down I was so afraid of losing you. I just kept looking for signs that showed me that you had realized you had enough, that you changed your mind about us. And the more I looked for it, the easier it was to see. And it made me desperately trying to take control of the situation, trying to control you, to make sure you didn’t leave. In the end, it made me see things that weren’t even there, interpreting everything you did as a sign that you were ready to move on with your life without me. Like when you cut your hair, I completely freaked out, I was terrified.»

He stops to take a break, for Isak to let everything he just said sink in. 

«Yeah, I remember,» Isak finally answers. «Jonas thought you were total jerk reacting the way you did, it’s just hair, you know, it grows back.»

«But it wasn’t just hair to me, all of a sudden you seemed so much more grown up with your hair short and I wanted to keep my Isak, the boy with the soft curls. The Isak I fell in love with and I knew was in love with me. It was super egoistic of me. And when you started with the Russ celebrations, everything went to shit. As soon as you put on the red pants, I was sure I'd lost you. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since the guys told me off last summer. Or, I think yelling at me is closer to the truth. Five against one gave me a solid kick in the ass. It hurt for a while.»

Isak just sits there, without a word, pushing the last pieces of his food around his plate.

«No! There is no way I am going to let you take full responsibility for this. I just ran away from all of my problems, just like my dad. The tail tucked firmly between my legs. It doesn’t exactly scream maturity.» Isak seems like he wants to just disappear, making himself as small as possible where he is sitting on the other side of the couch, and all Even can think about is hugging and cuddling him and make it all go away, he looks so small, so fragile. 

«Do you know why you felt you couldn’t talk to me about it? If we want to fix this,» Even points his finger back and forth between them, «if we're going to be together, we have to make sure this doesn’t happen ever again. I don’t think I can take losing you again. And if we’re together, we will definitely end up arguing at one time or another, and I don’t want to be constantly afraid that the next fight ends with you leaving me.» 

«I really don’t know, you have no idea how much I have been thinking about it, trying to analyze it. It just seemed like ignoring it was the easiest thing to do. Like it wasn’t worth fighting over? Because it was just small stuff, like hair, dishes, laundry, and I didn’t want to fight over small stuff. It was easier just to let it be, keep it in. I think maybe…» He hesitates a bit before he takes the plunge. «I think that in my world, fighting is bad. Fighting means people leave. At least that’s what happened when…» He is unable to finish the sentence. 

«That's what happened when your dad left your mother?» Even finishes his sentence for him. 

«Yeah, sort of? Their fighting only got worse and worse, and I hated it. I remember I would hide in my room holding my hands over my ears praying to a God I don’t even believe exist that they would just stop fighting. Stop crying. Make it quiet. But I ended up wishing I hadn’t, because the silence afterwords was worse than the arguing. Because that meant dad had left. In the beginning only for a while after, but eventually it became permanent.»

«But baby, you know it doesn’t have to be like that? You know that all couples argue a little and that it does not mean anything more than that they disagree?» Even pulling him close. He can’t help it. He needs him close, he needs feeling some sort of physical contact and he can sense Isak relaxing into the embrace. 

Isak just nods his head. «I know. Logically, I know that. But in the end, I felt as if I was walking on eggshells, I saw a potential argument every time we disagreed, and I became more and more careful about what to say, trying so hard not to make you mad. And when we fought it was as if the reptilian brain overtook my logic. In the end, I just couldn’t anymore. And I knew that the only way I would be able to leave you was to just do it without telling you, because if I tried talking to you about it you would just persuaded me to stay, and things would only be getting worse and worse. I still loved you, but I had to leave. Had to protect myself.»

«Yeah, I would, wouldn’t I. But how can we make sure that the reptilian brain does not override your logical brain the next time? You are a medical student after all, you should be able to find a solution? What do you think, Dr. Valtersen?»

«It's probably a few years till I can call it. But I like it. Dr. Valtersen.» Isak giggles and moves even closer to Even. They silently declare the serious conversation over for now, but they both know didn’t really conclude anything.


	17. Leaving no man's land

May 2019

A couple of days later the guys has decided that before the exam period begins, they should hang and maybe make a Youtube-movie if they can be bothered. Even doesn’t really have the time, he has been so preoccupied with this thing with Isak that his school work has suffered and he should be spending his time studying to make up for it, but Yousef has been very insistent and jokingly threatened to come carry him there himself if he doesn’t show up, so he just caved and came. He might not like to admit it, but he really needed some time with his friends. They ended up filming absolutely nothing, instead they just sit there, talking about everything and nothing and Even’s mood is better than it has been in a long, long time. And it doesn’t take long before the rest of them notice, and the inquisition, also called curious Elias, is happening. 

«What’s up with you, man? You haven’t been this happy since like forever, forgot to tell us something?» Even looks at Elias and then at the rest of his friends, and they all seem to agree. Fuck, he should have known better than to try to hide this from them, they always know. 

«What? I'm always in a good mood, what are you talking about?» Even tries to act insulted, pretending he doesn’t understand what they're talking about, but his smile is so wide it’s impossible to hide how happy he really is. 

«Dude, we’re not that easily fooled, come on, tell us!»

Even looks at his friends, then down on his hands, considering what and how much to say. In the end, he decides up telling the truth. «Yeah, well, something has happened, I've met someone.» Ok, then, partly the truth. A snippet of truth, at least. 

The guys cheer and starts to throw questions at Even. 

«You have met someone? Tell us who, when, where, how! You must tell us everything.» Even struggles to separate who says what, and how to answer. 

«I can tell you a little bit, but not every single detail. It’s too soon to do that.» He just knows that he is not ready to tell them about him and Isak, the two of them haven’t talked about what they really want and before they do, he doesn’t want to tell the boys too much. 

«We met at work, he’s a frequent visitor and we might have been flirting a bit, and then he just waited for me after work one afternoon and wanted to talk.» He figures it can’t be considered a lie, Isak has been to the cafe he works at (he almost lived there when they were together and they sure as hell flirted) and the rest is true-ish.

«He? It's a boy? How long has this been going on?» Mutta is literally jumping up and down, he is so excited. 

«Yes, it’s a boy. I don't know how long…» Even pretends he's trying to remember when it happened, as if he’s not completely aware that it’s five weeks and three days ago. «Like since early April, or something. But it's not really serious yet, we’ve just been talking and texting a little and then he came over to my place to have dinner a few days ago. It's a bit early yet, we are still trying to get to know another.» 

«Dude! We want more than this! Who is he, what's his name, how old is he? Details, man, details!» Elias won't give up without a fight, he presses for more information. 

«Ok, then, I’ll give you a little bit more. He’s from Oslo, he is two years younger than me, and he goes to university here. He lives with a friend from high school. And he’s beautiful and smart. Like really smart. And that's all I’m telling you. Until we are sure and have agreed on what we want to be, I won’t tell you more.» Even has made up his mind, and is not backing down.

The guys make a few more attempts to get more information out of him, but Even is stubborn and mute and in the end they give up and the conversation flows to other topics. But Even stays quiet, his brain everything but, he knows he has to make up his mind, it’s on him to decide what he wants. And he needs to talk to Isak about it, because all he really wants is to scream from the rooftops that he and Isak are back together. 

Mikael decides to keep him company part of the way back to his apartment, and they walk in the kind of comfortable silence only friends can do. 

Just as they are about to part ways, Mikael breaks the silence. «Soooo, Isak…» Even’s head snaps toward Mikael so fast his neck is screaming at him.

«What about Isak?» He’s hoping he doesn’t sound as stressed out as he actually is. 

«It is Isak, isn’t it? You were talking about Isak back there?» 

«What makes you say that?» 

«The only time I’ve heard you talk like that about a person, is when you told me about Isak the first time. And he is two years younger than you, he lives with Magnus and studies at the university. And he is both pretty and smart. It is Isak, it has to be? Right?» 

«It's Isak.» Even’s answer is so quiet it’s almost impossible to hear. «But, please don't say anything to the others. I just, we haven’t, we're not together or anything.» 

«Why not? Is it because he doesn’t want to? Or is it you?» 

«We haven’t talked about it. Or, yeah, we've talked about why it ended and everything, and I think, or I know he's sorry and that he wants us to get back together. But I don’t know if I'm ready. It hurts so much, Mikael. I must be absolutely sure it will never happen again, I can’t get back together with him and then have to go through losing him all over again. I just can’t.»

«But you do realize you can never be sure of anything in life? Sometimes you just have to take a chance, dare to jump and hope that it lasts. You know that, right? So, the question is not whether or not you are sure, but if you are ready to jump?» 

Deep down Even knows he is right and that he needs to figure out why it's so scary to jump this time, while it was the easiest thing in the world the first time he met Isak. 

«But you know what? If you ask me, I've always thought you would end up with Isak.» Mikael interrupts his thoughts.

«Really? Why is that?» Even just stares at him.

«I just think it’s the way you act when you are together. You are always so tactile, always close, always so in tune with each other. You just seemed so solid. Meant to be, if you get my drift.» 

Later that night, Even can’t concentrate on anything, he just keeps listening to his gut arguing with his head. He knows it is up to him, and he also knows that he has to decide soon. Being in this no man’s land isn’t doing him any favors, especially not now when he has exams coming up. It is kind of hard to concentrate on school when the only thing he can focus on is IsakIsakIsak. He picks up his phone and types out a message.

Isak ❤ 

11:32 p.m.  
Want to meet up tomorrow? I have to talk to you about something.

11:34 p.m.  
Sure. At your place? 7 p.m. ok?

11:35 p.m.  
That’s perfect. I’ll make dinner. Come hungry.

There, nothing better than a short deadline to brute force a decision. By tomorrow night his mind must be made up.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the last original chapter of the story. However, when I published it in Norwegian, I got some questions about Isak's POV. So, next chapter will be an epilogue of some sort, and it will we published later today.

May 2019

Even is going stir crazy, waiting impatiently for Isak, but time goes by incredibly slow. He has made lasagna, perfect food to sit on the couch and eat while talking. And of course, the doorbell rings at the same time that he has taken the very warm lasagna out of the oven, and he is this close to burning all of his fingertips in his hurry to put down the hot dish, making sure Isak doesn’t have to wait. 

Isak enters and gives Even a hug, and it feels a little weird being so close and so far from someone the same time, but Even returns the hug. It’s not like they haven’t done it before. 

«I've made lasagna, thought we could eat and talk at the same time, is that ok?»

Isak just nods in reply and they go into the kitchen to pick up their food before they settle in the now familiar position in the sofa, with Even at one end and Isak in the other, with their feet weaved together. The sofa isn’t big enough for two tall boys sitting like that, but they make do. And it is nice feeling Isak so close, it grounds him in a good way. Something he needs right now, his nerves are firing on all cylinders. 

Even just jumps right in, no need to wait any longer, they’ve waited long enough.

«I told the guys about you,» he says.

Isak looks up with a surprised look on his face. «Oh, really? What did you tell them? And what did they say?» 

«Ehhh, I didn’t tell them everything. But when I was at Elias’ yesterday, I got some comments about my good mood, and they wouldn’t let up until I had told them why. So, I just told them I had met someone. But I didn’t say it was you, just about this guy inviting me for coffee after work one day and that we have talked and texted a bit lately. But I told them that before things were serious I wouldn’t tell them more, they only got a slightly vague description of you.» 

To Evens surprise, Isak looks a little disappointed. Obviously, this was not the kind of news he had expected. « So, you lied to them, then?» he finally manages to say, looking so sad Even just wants to cuddle him. 

«I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell the whole truth.» Even tries to defend himself, upset things doesn’t go as planned.

«Are you embarrassed of us. About this?» Isak just looks miserable, like he is ready to cry. Or leave. Or something. 

«No, of course I'm not embarrassed, how can you say something like that?» Even is shocked, where did this come from? Embarrassed? «But we haven’t talked about what we really want and it wouldn’t be right to say anything to them before you and I have had the time to talk about what we want. I wanted to talk to you first. OK?»

Isak relaxes, the dark cloud over his head seemingly disappearing.

«But Michael somehow figured it out anyway. We walked home together, and he told me he knew it was you. He said that the only time he had heard me talk about anyone like that was when I told him about you when we met after the incident at Syng. He just put two and two together and well, lets just say that he is good at maths.»

Even stops talking, taking the time to study Isak’s reaction, as if he wants to assess how to proceed. Isak is not always the easiest to read, but right now there’s a calmness over him that gives Even the courage to go on.

«But he also said something else that really forced me to think, and made me send you that message yesterday. Because he asked me why we aren’t together yet, and I said it was because I wasn’t sure if I had enough courage to make it happen, to risk it.»

Isak doesn’t look up, it is like he knows exactly why Even says that. And that he knows whose fault is it.

«But do you know what he said to me? He said something that was really smart. He said that you can never be completely sure of anything in life. Sometimes you just have to take a chance, dare to jump and hope that it lasts.» He looks at Isak, waiting for him to look back, and when he finally does Even continues. «So, this is me jumping. And all I want to know is if you want to jump with me? Do you want to be my boyfriend again?» 

Even hardly has time to finish the last question before Isak throws his plate away and jump over to Even’s side of the couch. «There is nothing in this world I want more than that. Of course, I want to be your boyfriend. I love you, I love you so, so much.» 

Isak doesn’t leave this time. Instead they stay right there, talking and kissing and talking and kissing, and then just kissing. The next morning both are low on sleep, but high on happiness when they leave the apartment together, hands intertwined, on their way to school.


	19. Epilogue-ish

ISAKS POV 

July 2019

«Isaaaaak!» Magnus is complaining. Loudly. «Where do want me to put this?» He is carrying a huge cardboard box, and judging by the twisted face he is making, it’s a heavy one.

«Just put it next to the couch, along with the two I’ve already put there. Jonas will be back with the car soon, and we can take the last of the boxes then,» he answers back.

They have spent the last days packing up everything they own. Magnus and Vilde are moving in together in a small apartment, and the boys must move out of their shared apartment by the end of July. It came as surprise to both of them how much stuff they’d managed to accumulate in less than a year, and it takes a lot longer to move out than it took moving in. 

But they are close to the end now, most of their stuff is either in boxes placed recklessly around the living room or already on moved to their new places. But before they hand the keys over to the landlord they are having one gigantic moving out party, they have invited all of their friends. The party is due to start in just a few hours, thus the struggle to finish moving. Thank god for good friends, otherwise they wouldn’t have been able to finish in time. 

Isak is standing in the middle of the living room, thinking back on the last year. He had been a complete wreck when they moved in together. After he had left Even and moved back with Eskild, he had spent the entire summer holed up in his old room, hardly saying a word to anyone. He had been so sure that breaking up with Even had been the right thing to do, he still believed that, but knowing it was the right thing to do unfortunately didn’t make it any easier or hurt lest. It didn’t make him miss Even any less. And that had surprised him, he had managed to convince himself that since he was the one doing the breaking up it wouldn’t hurt, but boy had he been wrong. The boys had tried so hard to get him to talk or at least get him out of the apartment and do something, but they had been spectacularly unsuccessful. 

He had almost been disappointed when he got the acceptance letter into medical studies in Oslo. He hadn’t expected it, he didn’t think his grades were good enough, and mentally prepared himself to move to Bergen or Trondheim. Or maybe Tromsø. Tromsø would be far enough away from Oslo (and Even) that he might have a chance to move on, start a new life. But no such luck, if you could call it that. He ended up in Oslo, his top priority back in April when he applied. Thankfully Sana had been accepted too. Sana who had refused to take sides in the break up and didn’t ask any questions or try to pry out of him why he had broken up with Even. She was just there, a silent support every time he felt like he was drowning. 

August was almost over and Isak had barely stepped a foot out of the apartment for weeks when Magnus had finally had enough. He decided that he and Isak were moving in together, and he found the perfect apartment for them. The only thing Isak had to do was to pack his belongings and show up a month later. That was hard enough. 

As summer became fall and fall started to transition to winter, the boys had slowly but surely lured out some resemblance of the old Isak, he came to parties with them, they comforted him when he cried when drunk, took his phone away from him when the urge to call Even became too big (Eskild had deleted Even’s number from his phone, but sober Isak knew it by heart and drunk Isak at least thought he knew it). He knew they had questions about the break up, but they had given up asking. That might have something to do with him making them believe it was all Even’s fault, and that it had been Even’s decision to break up. Eskild was the only one who knew the truth, and he didn’t tell anyone. 

It was almost November before Jonas had had enough of his moping around and forced some answers out of him, on a bench in a park with a kebab in his hand. And when the dam first started to leak it created an uncontrollable flow of truth coming out of Isak, he just couldn’t stop. He told Jonas everything, the fights, the rules, the running out of the apartment, about Even yelling for the smallest things and how scared Isak got when that happened. How he felt he had lost control over who he was both in and outside of the relationship. How hard it had become telling Even how he felt, and how he had just been keeping everything in and it had started to grow into a mass of anger, resentment and sadness and the only solution he could see was to run away from it all. And then he told how much he missed Even, how he still loved him and wanted him back, that he was too scared (and proud) and messed up to call him and tell him. Jonas didn’t say much, other than the appropriate nod and hmmm, but it was enough for Isak to feel better. He knew Jonas understood and had his back. 

But the talk made him realize he needed help sorting out his messy head, and he started talking to a counselor at school. It had taken him a really long time admitting to himself that he needed help, and even longer to admit it to anyone else. In fact, Magnus was the only one who knew he was seeing the counselor once a week for months and that he still saw him from time to time. The old Isak, the Isak from two years back would have been appalled at the idea of getting professional help, he could still recall the reaction he had when the nurse in high school had suggested it. But current Isak just appreciated having a completely neutral part to talk to. Even though things had improved when he came out and started seeing Even he hadn’t really processed what had happened before that, the stuff that had happened at home, with his parents, their arguments, his dad moving out, him moving out. He hadn’t realized how much that had affected his relationships, not only with Even but with his friends and even his parents. The counseling helped with that, and he even had a better relationship with his parents now. He might not go as far to say that he had completely forgiven all the shit they had pulled, but at least he was ready to move on. 

Around Christmas he felt his life was more or less back to normal. But the longing was still there. He still missed Even, and it didn’t seem to get smaller either. The guys had tried to push him to try dating and they even took him to a gay bar a couple of times. But when a totally hot guy tried to hit on him, he just ran away, making it obvious that he was not even close to being ready to move on. So, instead he focused all his time and energy on school and friends, trying to push the feeling of missing Even far away.

But when winter slowly became spring, it became clearer and clearer that getting over Even wasn’t happening any time soon, and eventually Magnus had enough of his moping and almost bullied him to do something. «If you don’t do anything, I will, OK? Enough is enough.» That’s what led to Isak standing outside Evens place of work that day early April. It was his third attempt to do it, the first time he had turned around two blocks away, the second time he had waited outside for ten minutes before he chickened out and went home again. The third time, Magnus had threatened violence if he came back mission unaccomplished.

He had been so scared and he had managed to reach the maximum anxiety level possible in the few minutes it took for Even to end his shift, get his stuff and get out the door. Isak had been so scared that he barely managed to say a single word, his brain suddenly had no words or thoughts, and he just stood there, stuttering something incomprehensible that he can’t even remember now. But it had apparently worked, because Even had agreed to a walk. The wave of emotions he had felt when Even first said that it wasn’t too late for them and then continued saying he needed more time was indescribable. It was like going from the top of the biggest roller coaster at Tusenfryd to the absolute bottom in less than a second. But then hope sparked again when Even said he wasn’t using Instagram anymore. Because it meant that Even hadn’t been purposefully ignoring all the messages he had sent, it meant that he didn’t actually know Isak had sent them. And he set a new speed running to the apartment when he received the message from Even later that night, and he had been so out of breath when he arrived.

Unfortunately, the roller coaster continued for weeks, and Isak was going quietly mad. At one moment, Even was warm and loving, and in the next he was detached and almost a stranger. Isak knew he had to give it time, but his heart was breaking every time they met and nothing happened. After they had talked about why things went wrong the year before, Isak once again felt hopeful, but nothing happened. The only one who knew what was going on was Magnus, Isak had made him not tell any of the others, because he could not handle more pressure. He had a suspicion that Sana knew what was going on, because she let him be when he should have been concentrating on classes but wasn’t and she even shared her notes from the lectures he had attended in body, but not in mind. The hours from when Even had told they needed to talk until he actually stood outside his door had felt longer than all of last year altogether, he had been so nervous. Because even though the message did not say so, it was obvious what Even wanted to discuss, this was do or die.

Magnus dumps another box on the floor of the living room, pulling Isak back to the present. 

Magnus looks at him, with a questioning look. «I need to know, are you completely sure?» 

Even enters the living room, puts his arm around Isak’s shoulder, giving him a gentle kiss on the cheek.

«Yes, I'm one hundred percent sure,» Isak just replies, leaning in closer to Even. «It is time to move back home again.»


End file.
